Undetected Innocence

This week’s flash was entered in Rebecca Clare Smith’s #SatSunTails challenge. She enjoyed it, but found it too confusing. I thought I’d post it again here for your amusement and to see what you guys think, which bit confuses you etc.

The stories had to clock in at around 150 words. The prompt was “undetected innocence” and this image:

The story wasn’t titled at the time, but I guess Undetected Innocence is as good as any. Here it is:

The chains are cold, the ground wet. The Lord’s tears pound my skin, as though he sees what has become of me. If I’d listened to Mother, I wouldn’t find myself so crudely bound. She’ll be cross. But it’s too late now.

Or is it?

The Devil’s workers sleep, ignorantly warm inside their metal boxes. They think me weak, innocent. But Innocence is nothing more than a name, given to me before my own thoughts formed. I’m told it’s proved to be ironically apt.

The chains are cold, hard. And easily slipped. The Lord’s shouts will conceal my escape, which I intend to make once my job is complete.

On their table, the Devil’s own tools lay unguarded. Various devices for fiendish human interaction. One calls out louder than the rest. Leather grip, sharpened steel. It will do.

I’ll make Mother proud.

I’ll finish the Lord’s work, and then escape. Undetected.


Author: jackkholt

Film graduate. Lover of lots of good films and quite a few bad ones. Reader. Writer. Novel in progress, obviously.

18 thoughts on “Undetected Innocence”

  1. So wild! I read it as the thoughts of mistreated, albeit oddly sentient and religious, dog! Right up until the end, then that whole line of reasoning fell apart.

  2. wasn’t confusing to me at all. Had a touch of the John Milton’s about it in the language, suggestive of something larger than the mere human scale.

    The only confusing line was “which I intend make once my job is complete.” which seemed to be missing the word ‘to’ before ‘make’

  3. “The Devil’s workers sleep, ignorantly warm inside their metal boxes” – great line! Really liked it Jack. Not confusing at all, I agree.
    It feels somewhat religious, but a religion towards the Mother. And that deformed face of innocence to me is entrapped in this illusion of vengeance, of a task given by God himself. A downfall to make someone proud. In the price of one’s soul.

    Do I sound confusing now?..

  4. Part of me thought of Carrie, as in Stephen King’s mistress monster, but I don’t think it really matters who your protagonist is, just that she’s clearly very pissed off about being in such a position!

  5. I liked it. I think the symbolism in this piece is strong and helps clarify the path of your Protag – the clean slate of innocence seems to convey that she is still her own person, not swayed by good or evil, or perhaps swayed by both.

    The only sentence I would suggest changes to is “The Lord’s shouts will conceal my escape.” I’m still not sure if the Lord is shouting at her or the Devil and his minions, and so I had to reread through that part again.

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